succesvol kind

Hoe help je een kind gelukkig en succesvol te worden?

Iedereen is het eens over de puurheid die een jong kind weerspiegelt… Het ademt liefde, verbinding, vrijgevigheid, nieuwsgierigheid, levenslust, vreugde en geluk… en toch vinden we dat we het kind moeten ‘opvoeden’. Dat wij, grote mensen, het beter weten dan zij. Wij leren ze wat ze moeten denken, hoe ze moeten doen en zelfs hoe ze zich daarover zouden moeten voelen. We stoppen ze vol met regels, terwijl wij meten met twee maten. Vertellen ze dat ze aan anderen moeten denken, maar geven ondertussen boodschappen van egoïsme en hebzucht…. Wat kunnen we doen om ze te helpen?

Als je kijkt naar gelukkige en succesvolle volwassenen - zij die in acceptatie leven met zichzelf, voedende contacten om zich heen hebben en iets aan de wereld geven vanuit overvloed – dan zie ik twee belangrijke ingrediënten die wij ons als ouders best mogen realiseren:

  • Zij hebben de verbinding met hun innerlijke zelf behouden
  • En zijn eigenwijs genoeg geweest hun eigen passie en ideeën te volgen

Eigenlijk… zoals een kind van nature is: “Zelluf doen!”, in contact met de wereld. Zoals je zo’n puur dreumesje dat net op eigen beentjes staat door een menigte ziet lopen, volledig zonder zich aan te trekken wat anderen ervan vinden, als het middelpunt van de wereld en als het iets interessants tegenkomt of een vriendelijk gezicht ziet gaat het er volledig mee in verbinding vanuit een innerlijke drang tot exploreren, tot het voldoende gevoed is en gegeven heeft. Dát dus!

Een van onze kinderen gaat binnenkort naar de middelbare school. Ik sprak erover met de moeder van een vriendje. “Die school is zo groot he, zouden ze daar niet verdrinken?” begon de moeder. Zelf heb ik ook op zo’n enorm scholencomplex gezeten… (als hypergevoelig autistisch kind) “Voor mij was dat goed” zei ik haar “ik kon namelijk exact mijn eigen pad lopen tussen de regeltjes door, ik viel toch niet op.” Ik had geleerd onzichtbaar te zijn en gaf niet om de mening van anderen noch wilde ik er perse bij horen, wat ik wel wilde, was mezelf ontwikkelen. Nee, ik heb niet veel onthouden van de lesboeken, wel van wat er op de gezichten te lezen was van klasgenoten en docent, van wat er onderling speelde, hoe men communiceerde met elkaar, hoe onzinnige sommige regels waren en over wat ik zo gek vond dat ze juist niet onderwezen en je wel nodig had in het leven. Ja, ik ben blij dat ik kan lezen en schrijven, hoewel ik dat vermoedelijk gretig had gevraagd te leren als het me niet was aangeboden mits(!) en daar komt ie: Mits ik van het bestaan van lezen en schrijven af wist!

Wij willen een kind niet leren wát het moet denken,
maar hoe met het denken om te gaan.

Wat een kind nodig heeft om zijn of haar potentieel te ontwikkelen zijn de puzzelstukjes waarmee het mag puzzelen, de ideeën waarmee het mag stoeien, de gereedschappen waarmee het mag werken en de voorbeelden van hoe het zou kunnen.
Het wil vrij gelaten worden uit al die voorbeelden te kiezen welke hem passen en het uitvoeren op zijn of haar eigen manier. Maar o o o wat is het moeilijk als er ego in het spel is en je als ouder vindt dat jouw ideeën en manieren de beste zijn. Of als je je als leerkracht moet houden aan de lesstof (lees: inhoud van het denken) die het kind tot zich moet nemen. En de testen die worden afgenomen op de inhoud…
Testten die maar de vindingrijkheid van het kind… dan stimuleerden wij ze zelf te denken. Testten ze maar de eigenzinnigheid van het kind, dan leerden wij ze uniek te blijven. Testten ze maar de mate waarin het kind zich durft uit te spreken, dan leerden wij het zelfexpressie. En benaderden zij het kind maar als gelijkwaardig, heel wezen, dan leerden wij het liefde te zijn.

De enige manier om het kind te leren een autonome volwassene te zijn, welke gezond, vitaal, vrijgevig, krachtig, open minded en vanuit acceptatie naar zichzelf en de wereld leeft… is door het kind voor te leven hoe het is om vanuit je volste potentieel te leven en het potentieel in hen te zien. Dt… door het te zíén. Te zoeken en te zíén. Vervolgens kun jij je verwonderen over wat je ziet en het daarvoor bewonderen en oprécht uitspreken wát je hebt gezien. Alleen wanneer jij je blik richt op de liefde, de creativiteit, de kracht en potentie in het kind kan het door jouw blik en intentie worden uitgenodigd. Kinderen pakken maar 7% van jouw woorden op, de rest vertel je in non-verbale communicatie... waarvan jij je niet bewust bent, maar zij wel horen! Daarom is intentie zo belangrijk.

Wees wat je wenst voor je kind

Iedere insinuatie op onvermogen, iedere afkeurende blik, iedere zucht van non-acceptatie en ieder gefrustreerd woord naar je kind toe, leert het zich net zo te gedragen naar zichzelf en naar de wereld om hem of haar heen. Wij leren onze kinderen ongelukkig te zijn, daar waar ze van nature wel wisten hoe ze geluk moesten leven. Ongeluk namelijk is het verliezen van verbinding met je ware natuur en in de greep komen van destructieve gedachten en daarmee destructieve keuzes.

Als gij niet zijt als kinderen,
Zult gij nooit het rijk der hemelen betreden

Wij willen kinderen dus leren:

  • De verbinding met hun innerlijke zelf te behouden
  • En hun eigen passie en ideeën te volgen

Die twee horen bij elkaar. Het een kan niet zonder het ander. We hebben een geest dat de aansturing van het hart nodig heeft om zich in deze wereld manifest te maken op een constructieve manier.

Om mijn filosofische uitspatting wat handen en voeten te geven een aantal suggesties 😉

  • Wees een onderzoekende geest en denk je exploraties hardop, zodat ze mee kunnen puzzelen.
  • Geniet zichtbaar van ze terwijl je naar ze kijkt als ze aan het spelen zijn. Lach mee.
  • Wees vriendelijk naar ze en laat hen weten dat je graag bij hen bent, maar neem ook bewust je eigen tijd.
  • Besluit hardop wanneer je bewuste keuzes maakt.
  • Geef af en toe je ongelijk toe en laat zien dat je altijd bereid bent naar jezelf te kijken in plaats van direct naar anderen te wijzen.
  • Onderzoek iets dat je graag wilt leren en laat je volharding daarin zien.
  • Spreek ze als gelijkwaardige mensen aan en neem hun inbreng serieus in overweging.
  • Laat ze hun (kleine) fouten maken, omdat jij ook liever zelf de fout ontdekt, dan hem hoort van een ander 😉

128 reacties op “Hoe help je een kind gelukkig en succesvol te worden?”

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