Slechtnieuwsgesprek

Hoe voer je een constructief slechtnieuwsgesprek?

Je moet je eigen gevoelens ver weggedrukt hebben, wil je slechtnieuwsgesprekken niet moeilijk vinden. In ieder mens zit immers een gevoel van verbinding naar onze medemensen toe en niemand wil bewust een ander pijn doen. Toch zullen sommige beroepen of situaties vragen om het overbrengen van een schokkend bericht. Hoe blijf je daarin trouw aan de waarheid, jezelf en het begrip voor je medemens?

Laten we eerlijk zijn: een nare boodschap is als een pleister die eraf moet, het gaat hoe dan ook pijn doen. Dat kun je ontkennen, verbloemen en uitstellen, maar er komt een moment waarop hij er echt af moet. Waarna je weer ontspannen verder kunt. Ik schrijf dit artikel vanuit mijn inzicht in mensen, uit ervaring vanuit de kant van degene die meerdere malen slecht nieuws kreeg in een slechte verpakking en vanuit degene die het slechte nieuws af en toe zelf moet geven als werkgever of examinator. In de rol van de laatste krijg ik doorgaans de feedback: “Ondanks het slechte nieuws, was het toch een fijn gesprek en begrijp ik het”… Hoe jou dat ook gaat lukken, ga ik je nu uitleggen.

Terug naar die pleister. Hoe pijnlijk de boodschap ook, nog veel vervelender is het om in het ongewisse te verblijven. Niet alleen, omdat mensen echt wel voelen dat er iets gaande is. Om (verdere) stappen te kunnen zetten namelijk, heb je een focus nodig. En leg je die verkeerd, omdat je niet alle informatie hebt, dan verspil je kostbare tijd. In de periode dat mijn vader in het ziekenhuis lag bijvoorbeeld is me niet één keer duidelijk gemaakt dat de man terminaal was, dat nieuws kregen we pas met het bericht “Hij heeft nog enkele dagen te leven”. Ja, veel te kort om in proces te gaan en te onderzoeken wat mijn behoeften nog waren in die relatie. Afscheid nemen vanuit realistisch gegeven is een heel ander proces dan met de dag leven met hoop en vertrouwen. Dat juist daardoor een rouwproces meermalen ingewikkeld wordt realiseer je pas als het te laat is. Dat had een constructief slechtnieuwsgesprek kunnen voorkomen. Ook in het geval van ontslag of een negatief functioneringsgesprek is er vaak vooraf al van alles voelbaar dat niet uitgesproken wordt. Dat zijn geen fijne situaties. Echt, de waarheid is altijd prettiger, dus hoe ga ja die brengen?

 

  1. Wind er geen doekjes om
    Je kunt een slechte boodschap niet mooier maken door het hoge woord te camoufleren. Het wordt er alleen maar onduidelijker van én je laat een deur open waardoor tegenreactie kan komen waar je mogelijk niet aan kunt voldoen.
  2. Wees concreet en duidelijk
    Wat houdt de boodschap precies in en wat betekent dit voor de persoon in kwestie? Hiermee geef je de persoon nieuwe feiten in handen waarmee het zijn of haar nieuwe focus kan leggen en stappen kan bepalen. Zonder de gehele waarheid houd je het vaag en onthoud je de ander een volledig toegang tot andere mogelijkheden, welke altijd eerst starten in het hoofd. (Alles is mogelijk, zolang jij de opties kunt bedenken)
  3. Eindig menselijk…
    Zeker dit laatste punt wordt vaak overgeslagen. Misschien omdat de boodschapper het ook moeilijk vindt dit gesprek te voeren en er het liefst zo snel mogelijk vanaf is...? Dus: hóe rond je het gesprek menselijk af? Door de persoon te richten op wat ze zelf hebben aangeven nodig te hebben. Een mens beschikt over een prachtig zelfhelend vermogen dat van binnenuit altijd stuurt naar balans. Wat we nodig hebben wordt naar onze bewustzijn gecommuniceerd via onze emoties. Dus, nu komt het… De hamvraag die iedereen die slecht nieuws geeft juist vermijden wil ga je nu juist wél stellen: “Hoe voel je je nu?” Met nadruk op het woordje 'nu'. (We gaan natuurlijk geen oude koeien uit de sloot halen, want dat is voor niemand goed. Ieder moment is het eerste moment van je nieuwe leven en dat willen we zo positief mogelijk inzetten.)

 

Laat ik een voorbeeldgesprek nemen van een manager die een teamlid moet vertellen dat haar of zijn functie verdwijnt. Deze kan alleen nog een andere functie met minder uren aanbieden op een andere afdeling. We steken in op het moment dat 1) Het hoge woord eruit is: de functie vervalt en 2) duidelijk is gemaakt wat de opties zijn. Dan komen we aan op punt 3. Je kunt misschien al van alles van het gezicht lezen en je voorstellen hoe iemand zich voelt en daar van alles over aannemen, maar toch stel je de vraag:

Manager: “Hoe voel je je nu?”
Teamlid: “pfff… In de war…”
Manager, nu even je mond houden, want je wilt álle emoties horen. Deze geven je namelijk allemaal een ingang om het gesprek een positieve wending mee te geven voor deze persoon.
Teamlid: “… Verdrietig… Maar ook een beetje opgelucht eigenlijk.”
Nu heb je drie ingangen. Verdriet hoef je in jouw positie niets anders mee dan even erkennen, de inhoud en het loslaatproces zijn voor de persoon zelf. Met de andere emoties kun je het gesprek een constructief vervolg geven…
Manager: “Begrijpelijk… Waarover voel je je opgelucht?”
Teamlid: “Nou…het was ook best veel dat ik nog in mijn uppie moest doen. Als je aangeeft, minder uren, dan voel ik opluchting.”
Manager: “Oké, dus jouw gevoel geeft aan dat je dat nu nodig hebt, dat is informatie die je mee kunt nemen in je verdere keuze. En je verwarring?”
Teamlid: “Hmm… er reizen tegelijk meer vragen. Niet alleen werkgerelateerd, maar ook persoonlijk.”
Manager: “Ja, dat snap ik. Kan ik nog vragen voor je beantwoorden?”

En zo kan het gesprek verder gaan, waarmee je eigenlijk heel snel, net een betere afronding geeft aan een slechtnieuwsgesprek en iets meegeeft aan je medemens om verder keuzes met een positieve focus te maken.

Dit gesprek klinkt heel gemakkelijk en dat kan het ook zijn als je de methode erachter begrijpt. Iedere emotie is namelijk onderdeel van een emotiegroep die een bepaald thema weergeeft. Ook is daarbij in kaart gebracht wat de persoon die emoties ervaart uit een bepaalde emotiegroep nodig heeft, zodat je daar gemakkelijk op in kunt spelen. Ga je hierover heen, dan voelen mensen zich al gauw niet gehoord of afgekapt, daar waar het net nodig was om dieper in gesprek te gaan. Uiteindelijk gaat je dit veel meer opleveren:

  • Geen, of in mindere mate, schuldgevoel.
  • Geen klachten over bot gedrag en/of het niet gehoord hebben van de ander (Zeker in geval van artsen komt dit zeer regelmatig voor).
  • Een voldaan gevoel, omdat je het gesprek voor beiden goed hebt afgerond.

Dit vraagt overigens wel van jou dat je uit emoties kunt blijven. Let op! Niet uit menselijkheid en mededogen, maar uit emoties. Dat is iets anders. Emoties zijn namelijk negen van de tien keer een gevolg op verhalen in ons hoofd. ‘Nu is die ander verdrietig en dat is mijn fout, hoe kan ik het toch nog een beetje goed maken?’, of ‘Ga nu alsjeblieft niet huilen, want daar weet ik niet mee om te gaan, ik kap dit gesprek nu af’, of ‘Als die ander nu maar niet boos wordt of me aanklaagt, laat ik de boodschap toch maar verzachten’. Het gaat in dit gesprek even niet om jou, oké? En dat is ook voor jou beter. Zolang jij als ‘ik-je’ eruit kan blijven kun je er neutraal ingaan en in het gesprek gebruiken wat de ander aangeeft. Zo houd je het zuiver en ga je niets voor de ander bepalen, bedenken of in de mond leggen. Je bent op dit moment een boodschapper van een aantal feiten en helpt een beetje met een plekje geven aan deze informatie, net als het crèmepje dat erop mag nadat de pleister eraf is getrokken. Om het genezingsproces te versnellen.

Je wilt geen dader zijn. Niet alleen voor jezelf, maar ook niet voor de ander. Het is namelijk zo dat wanneer er een dader is er ook een slachtoffer is. En slachtofferschap is per definitie lijden. Vrijwel alle depressies beginnen met emoties uit de emotiegroep verbazing (verwarring) als deze niet in juiste banen wordt geleid. Dat is op z’n minst jouw medemenselijke medeverantwoordelijkheid. Die jou met een beter gevoel achterlaat dan de kater van de slechtnieuwsbommetjes die je moet gooien.

Ken je iemand die regelmatig dit soort gesprekken moet voeren? Deel dan dit artikel, want het kan echt anders!

224 reacties op “Hoe voer je een constructief slechtnieuwsgesprek?”

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  11. Rebellion is a private BnS server operating since 2020. Characters are capped at level 55 and Hongmoon level 15. Chapter 1. The Encroaching Darkness is the last quest in the storyline available on Rebellion.

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